The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
