Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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