I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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