You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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