i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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