just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
