Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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