i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
