Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
