Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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