she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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