All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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