I want to walk on stilts...naked
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
