Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
