five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
