she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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