I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
