I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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