Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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