Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Randomize
