: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
