I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
