can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
