my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
