I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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