Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
what day is it and did you see me today?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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