How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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