I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
