Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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