My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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