I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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