Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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