I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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