Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
