Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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