she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
