i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
