dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
