I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
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I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We had sex on a dog bed..
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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