ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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