yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
