I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
