mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
do herpes really smell.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
