He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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