it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
