My hand turned me down
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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