I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So much rum. So many feels.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
