it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
