Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
