I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
