I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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