my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
