Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
