So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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