I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
