i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
