Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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