Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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