paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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