$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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