the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
