hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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