I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
