stop calling my apartment porn island.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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