The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
