My room smells like vodka and shame
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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